SOME SNIPPETS OF ADVICE

•July 3, 2009 • Leave a Comment

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of 
boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly 
removed. 

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else 
to hold them while you chop away. 

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people 
as they walk up the aisle. 

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar 
in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the damn thing in the first place, you 
fat b***ards. 

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you 
can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up 
liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. 

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a 
bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. 

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by 
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating 
into it, before jumping in. 

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get p*ssed, lie in a sand 
pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence. 

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. 

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes 
again. 

Next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger 
in an emergency. 

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or 
death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in 
the first place. 

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive 
vibrator. 

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic steroids by 
running a bit slower

PURE MAD!!

•July 2, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Am I the only one who finds the use of the word “one” to refer to an individual by the individual very very annoying!?!  You know, statements like “one is not impressed by that” etc.  It seems to be becoming fashionable for people to refer to themselves in the third person today also!  Can people not just conduct normal conversations in a normal way anymore?  I mean you might as well be looking into a field of thistles as trying to comprehend a conversation containing all of these rubbish statements.

Rant over………………I’m so tired……………….

RODNEY DANGERFIELD’S BEST ONE-LINERS

•May 29, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I was so poor growing up… If I wasn’t born a boy… I’d have nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work… I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy… “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.”

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning … put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid… When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby… My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I’m so ugly… My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born… the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father… I’m very sorry… We did everything we could… But he pulled through.

I’m so ugly… My mother had morning sickness… AFTER I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost… I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him…. “Do you think we’ll ever find them? “He said. “I don’t know kid… there are so many places they can hide.”

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I’m so ugly… I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror… I feel like throwing up; What’s wrong with me?” He said “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

OH! ITS A GRAND OLD TEAM…

•May 27, 2009 • 1 Comment

“Oh, its a grand old team to play for

It’s a grand old team to support

And, if you know your history

It’s enough to make your heart go ooooohhhhh!

We d0n’t care what the red side say

What the heck to we care

Cos there’s bound to be a show

When the Everton boys are there!”

BLASPHEMY LAWS – WHA?

•May 21, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I was driving into work this morning when, all at once, I got a fit of reversal!  I thought that either I was still asleep or that I had just missed a month and a half of my life!  The cause of my consternation?  That there was a public meeting in a local hotel this evening to revolt against the government’s reintroduction of the blasphemy laws!

Now, as I said I’m either still dreaming here, or today is April 1st, not May 21st!  So archaic are these laws that I just had to look it up when I got the chance.  So, here you are, this article pretty much sums up whats going on!

Have you ever, in your life, heard of such an absurdity?  Have our government (I used to spell that word with a capital G, but they don’t even deserve that little bit of respect now!) now lost all forms of reason?  It seems that because they have brought our economy to the dark ages that now they want to bring our moral values back there too!

What next?  The next Quentin Tarantino movie will only be available via under the counter pirate DVDs?  The newest Mills & Boon book will be in a dark plastic cover on the top shelf?  All women will be required to wear knee length skirts and cardigans throughout the year?

Join me in a prayer.  John Charles McQuaid is alive and well!!

THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT!

•May 20, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Was watching the current Wexford minor team playing a challenge game against the Cork minor team last night.  I must say that finally it seems that Wexford are coming good again at this age level.  I hope to be seeing more of them as the year progresses!!!

C’mon!!!

DVD REVIEW: “WE WERE SOLDIERS”

•May 18, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Directed by: Randall Wallace (Pearl Harbour, The Man in the Iron Mask).

Starring: Mel Gibson, Madeleine Stowe, Sam Elliot, Greg Kinnear, Chis Klein.

Plot Outline:In a place soon to be known as The Valley of Death, in a small clearing called landing zone X-Ray, Lt. Colonel Hal Moore (Mel Gibson) and 400 young fathers, husbands, brothers, and sons, all troopers from an elite American combat division, were surrounded by 2,000 North Vietnamese soldiers. The ensuing battle was one of the most savage in U.S. history. We Were Soldiers Once…And Young is a tribute to the nobility of those men under fire, their common acts of uncommon valor, and their loyalty to and love for one another.

Review: Of the films that I’ve watched regarding Vietnam, this one is right up there with “The Killing Fields” for emotional impact.  I have to admit that I’m not a huge Randall Wallace fan, generally speaking.  “Pearl Harbour” is ok on first watch, but not a classic, and “The Man in the Iron Mask” was only carried by a reasonably good cast.  That, and the the fact, that his director’s commentaries are the most self serving drivel that you could listen to! But, in fairness to Wallace, he does tell a complicated story well, and from what I’ve read sticks reasonably well to the actual story without over dramatising it.

It is fair to say that this film is very much carried by Mel Gibson’s performance.  He is as immense here as he has ever been on the big screen, “Braveheart” included.  The cinematography by Dean Semler is brilliant to say the least, and right up there with the work that he did on “Apocalypto” in 2006.  Madeleine Stowe is excellent as Julie Moore and, along with the performance  of Kerri Russell, as Barbara Geoghan, really brings home what the wives of the brave soldiers were going through while their men were at war.

Playing Sgt. Major Plumley, Sam Elliot is that quintensential army hardman that all army/war films seem to need e.g. Gny Sgt. Hartman in “Full Metal Jacket”.  It is as good a performance as you are likely to see in this type of role.

Overall, the action sequences are excellent, and the human element that Wallace manages to bring to the film keep the viewer emotionally involved throughout.

And, in this instance I would recommend the directors commentary, as it further opens your eyes to the horrors of what happened in Vietnam, brought to life by this excellent film.

4/5

 
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