Nil Satis Nisi Optimum

SOME SNIPPETS OF ADVICE

knightfall — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 08:49:32 +0000

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of
boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly
removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else
to hold them while you chop away.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people
as they walk up the aisle.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar
in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the damn thing in the first place, you
fat b***ards.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you
can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up
liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a
bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating
into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get p*ssed, lie in a sand
pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes
again.

Next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger
in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or
death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in
the first place.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic steroids by
running a bit slower

PURE MAD!!

knightfall — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 08:26:58 +0000

Am I the only one who finds the use of the word “one” to refer to an individual by the individual very very annoying!?! You know, statements like “one is not impressed by that” etc. It seems to be becoming fashionable for people to refer to themselves in the third person today also! Can people not just conduct normal conversations in a normal way anymore? I mean you might as well be looking into a field of thistles as trying to comprehend a conversation containing all of these rubbish statements.

Rant over………………I’m so tired……………….

RODNEY DANGERFIELD’S BEST ONE-LINERS

knightfall — Fri, 29 May 2009 09:03:08 +0000

I was so poor growing up… If I wasn’t born a boy… I’d have nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work… I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy… “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.”

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning … put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid… When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby… My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I’m so ugly… My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born… the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father… I’m very sorry… We did everything we could… But he pulled through.

I’m so ugly… My mother had morning sickness… AFTER I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost… I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him…. “Do you think we’ll ever find them? “He said. “I don’t know kid… there are so many places they can hide.”

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I’m so ugly… I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror… I feel like throwing up; What’s wrong with me?” He said “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

OH! ITS A GRAND OLD TEAM…

knightfall — Wed, 27 May 2009 08:17:18 +0000

“Oh, its a grand old team to play for

It’s a grand old team to support

And, if you know your history

It’s enough to make your heart go ooooohhhhh!

We d0n’t care what the red side say

What the heck to we care

Cos there’s bound to be a show

When the Everton boys are there!”

BLASPHEMY LAWS – WHA?

knightfall — Thu, 21 May 2009 08:47:10 +0000

I was driving into work this morning when, all at once, I got a fit of reversal! I thought that either I was still asleep or that I had just missed a month and a half of my life! The cause of my consternation? That there was a public meeting in a local hotel this evening to revolt against the government’s reintroduction of the blasphemy laws!

Now, as I said I’m either still dreaming here, or today is April 1st, not May 21st! So archaic are these laws that I just had to look it up when I got the chance. So, here you are, this article pretty much sums up whats going on!

Have you ever, in your life, heard of such an absurdity? Have our government (I used to spell that word with a capital G, but they don’t even deserve that little bit of respect now!) now lost all forms of reason? It seems that because they have brought our economy to the dark ages that now they want to bring our moral values back there too!

What next? The next Quentin Tarantino movie will only be available via under the counter pirate DVDs? The newest Mills & Boon book will be in a dark plastic cover on the top shelf? All women will be required to wear knee length skirts and cardigans throughout the year?

Join me in a prayer. John Charles McQuaid is alive and well!!

THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT!

knightfall — Wed, 20 May 2009 08:39:02 +0000

Was watching the current Wexford minor team playing a challenge game against the Cork minor team last night. I must say that finally it seems that Wexford are coming good again at this age level. I hope to be seeing more of them as the year progresses!!!

C’mon!!!

DVD REVIEW: “WE WERE SOLDIERS”

knightfall — Mon, 18 May 2009 11:11:02 +0000

Directed by: Randall Wallace (Pearl Harbour, The Man in the Iron Mask).

Starring: Mel Gibson, Madeleine Stowe, Sam Elliot, Greg Kinnear, Chis Klein.

Plot Outline:In a place soon to be known as The Valley of Death, in a small clearing called landing zone X-Ray, Lt. Colonel Hal Moore (Mel Gibson) and 400 young fathers, husbands, brothers, and sons, all troopers from an elite American combat division, were surrounded by 2,000 North Vietnamese soldiers. The ensuing battle was one of the most savage in U.S. history. We Were Soldiers Once…And Young is a tribute to the nobility of those men under fire, their common acts of uncommon valor, and their loyalty to and love for one another.

Review: Of the films that I’ve watched regarding Vietnam, this one is right up there with “The Killing Fields” for emotional impact. I have to admit that I’m not a huge Randall Wallace fan, generally speaking. ”Pearl Harbour” is ok on first watch, but not a classic, and “The Man in the Iron Mask” was only carried by a reasonably good cast. That, and the the fact, that his director’s commentaries are the most self serving drivel that you could listen to! But, in fairness to Wallace, he does tell a complicated story well, and from what I’ve read sticks reasonably well to the actual story without over dramatising it.

It is fair to say that this film is very much carried by Mel Gibson’s performance. He is as immense here as he has ever been on the big screen, “Braveheart” included. The cinematography by Dean Semler is brilliant to say the least, and right up there with the work that he did on “Apocalypto” in 2006. Madeleine Stowe is excellent as Julie Moore and, along with the performance of Kerri Russell, as Barbara Geoghan, really brings home what the wives of the brave soldiers were going through while their men were at war.

Playing Sgt. Major Plumley, Sam Elliot is that quintensential army hardman that all army/war films seem to need e.g. Gny Sgt. Hartman in “Full Metal Jacket”. It is as good a performance as you are likely to see in this type of role.

Overall, the action sequences are excellent, and the human element that Wallace manages to bring to the film keep the viewer emotionally involved throughout.

And, in this instance I would recommend the directors commentary, as it further opens your eyes to the horrors of what happened in Vietnam, brought to life by this excellent film.

4/5

ACTAUL WRITING FROM HOSPITAL CHARTS

knightfall — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 09:29:04 +0000

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was veryhot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

WHO SCORED THAT GOAL!!

knightfall — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 09:25:36 +0000

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0cccj50xzE

Well Noel Hunt reckons he did.

Robbie Keane is adamant he did.

If you look from behind the goal it looks like Hunt did, and I actually think he did.

Why?

Look till the end. Noel Hunt is hobbling with a sore ankle. Probably got a kick in it. Only one suspect. So, if Keane kicked Hunt he can’t have kicked the ball.

Though, that said, why didn’t Hunt claim it straight away?

He tried to. Look at him run away after it goes in. He then realises he’s on his own and just joins the throng.

In my opinion: Hunt’s goal!!!

U2 IN JULY MAKES IT ALL WORTHWHILE!

knightfall — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 15:26:07 +0000

Am I the only one still finding the return to work after the New Year a stretch? I reckon I’ll put it down to the feeling for working for free, the way that the economy is going. But, I am eternally grateful that I have a job to hang onto.

But, I do have some good new, thank God!

Yesterday, I got my grubby little paws on a couple of tickets for U2 and the Kaiser Chiefs in Croke Park on 25 July next!! I’m already looking forward to it, especially as its my reward for bringing herself to see Elton John in June! (Not really looking forward to that!) I thought I’d done my penance when I went to Robbie Williams a couple of years ago!!

I’m currently working my way through U2′s new album, “No Line on the Horizon”. Its a grower to be honest, and will probably take a few listens before I get my head totally around it. After the first few listens I’m somewhere between unimpressed and the way I felt after listening to “The Unforgettable Fire” about 20 times! I know that I’ll like it in the end

So, if you’re going to U2 in July, queue up early, and lets rock on!!!