If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of
boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else
to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people
as they walk up the aisle.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar
in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the damn thing in the first place, you
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you
can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up
liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a
bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating
into it, before jumping in.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get p*ssed, lie in a sand
pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes
Next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger
in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or
death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in
the first place.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic steroids by
running a bit slower