NEW RULES OF LIFE!!

 

  • Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the hurling team is doing these days–mowing my lawn.
  • Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bag of onion rings. Hey, it cost less than a euro. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
  • Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky ba*****s!
  • If you need to shave and you still collect Premier League stickers, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the stickers are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.
  • Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.
  • There’s no such thing as flavoured water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavoured water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavoured water.
  • Stop screwing with old people. Pfizer is introducing a re-designed pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time granny figures out how to open it, her ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Pfizer, you just solved the pensions crisis.
  • The more complicated the coffee order, the bigger the muppet. If you walk into a coffee shop and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n’-Low, and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a mega muppet.
  • I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, indicating if I want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Kinder Bueno.
  • Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.
  • Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. Setanta recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The N******k Breakfast Show.”
  • I don’t need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.
  • If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.
  • No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the settled people version of looting.
  • No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your web cam. I just want to wash my hands.
  • When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
  • If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying” Do you want fries with that?”
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~ by knightfall on August 22, 2007.

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