If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of 
boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly 

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else 
to hold them while you chop away. 

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people 
as they walk up the aisle. 

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar 
in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the damn thing in the first place, you 
fat b***ards. 

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you 
can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up 
liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. 

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a 
bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. 

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by 
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating 
into it, before jumping in. 

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get p*ssed, lie in a sand 
pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence. 

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. 

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes 

Next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger 
in an emergency. 

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or 
death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in 
the first place. 

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive 

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic steroids by 
running a bit slower

~ by knightfall on July 3, 2009.


  1. i’m giggling about your charitable original intention was to place a piece of my own photography on top of the grass. however, i couldn Click

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: